I guess it means arrogance for me, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I had been committing a sin for a while that I decided to limit yesterday for the sake of Allah. However, I don’t truly regret doing it and I don’t think I can honestly hold myself to try to never repeat it. It would be like deceiving myself. I know I won’t stop and I don’t have the truest intent to stop just yet, because of my negative thoughts and feelings toward myself and the world.
I stopped it in a moment of fear that Allah is watching and I’ll be told about it on the Day of Judgement, as well as a means to get what I need in this world. I said “Lilahi ta’ala” and I cut off two minor sources of my sin. However, like I said, I don’t think this is done or that I’m going cold-turkey. I just think I did it in a moment of strength, but because I don’t actually dread what I did and I don’t think I can honestly stop it right now, I don’t think repenting would mean anything.
I’m sorry I’m just rambling. I’ve been so in my head for years that I tend to word vomit when reaching out for help.